HijiNKSENSUE play snippet REWRITE Part the 4th

HijiNKS ENSUE
Sarah Wilson

The Setting:

Sportsworld, a sporting goods store, located in the southern coastal area of Texas

Characters:

Joel- a clerk at the sporting goods store who has to deal with the idiocy of the customers on a daily basis.
Eli- Joel’s best friend who’s constantly hanging out at the store, talking with Joel while he’s working, and passing judgement on the other customers
Denise- a girl Eli met at a party, the rare and elusive girl geek
Josh- A friend of Eli and Denise who works at Gearboxity with Denise, a big gamer
The lights come up on Joel, a shaggy haired kid in his late teens standing behind a counter, perusing a guitar magazine
A bell rings as a door opens, and in walks Eli SL who greets Joel

Eli

Yo Loser! You missed a HELL of a party yesterday… Josh was there and he had lots of … you know… inspiration. Might be just what you need to finally finish that comic you’ve been writing for what… since high school?

Joel

While I appreciate your attempts to (with finger quotes) “encourage” me to finish my GRAPHIC novel… I don’t think weed from some dude you just met at some party is the answer. I just… (Sighs) I dunno… I just need something to happen to me, something new … something less stupid and … Texan.

Eli

Dude… not another rant about how things suck in Texas…

The door opens again and a couple of nerdy type guys (mouth breather types) enter, as the bell rings, Joel like one of Pavlov’s dogs perks up and is instantly the diligent employee.

Joel

Welcome to Sportsworld, can I help you find anything today?

Nerd 1: (nasally)

Umm.. yeah… We’re looking for something like ah uh tennis balls? Those are solid aren’t they?

Joel

No, they’re not solid.

Giving Eli, who’s trying to stifle a raucous laugh, a “do you see what kind of idiots I have to deal with” look

Nerd 2

Well, we’re looking for rubber balls that are… y’know…

Joel

… Solid? (Finishing the sentence for Nerd 2)

Nerd 1

Exactly! Do you have anything like that?

Joel

We have racquet balls… I think they’re solid.

Nerd 2

Resplendent! Might we purchase a large number?

Joel Crosses SL to where the racquet balls are racked on shelves and returning behind the counter to ring up the Nerds’ order.

Joel

Do you two even PLAY racquet ball?

Nerd 1

Uh… no. We need them to put on the end of our spears and arrows.

Eli

Spears and arrows?

Nerd 2

Matter of Factly
Um… yeah!? For the SCA.

Under his breath to Nerd 1

Losers don’t know anything…

Joel

While ringing up the nerd’s purchase

What in the blazing fire of Mordor is the SCA?

Nerd 1

The Society for Creative Anachronism. The Kingdom of Ansteorra?! Any of this sounding familiar? We’re members of the Barony of the Stargate. Highly ranked actually…

Eli

Ok, I’m going to stop you there… those things coming out of your mouth? I believe that they MIGHT be words, but they’re not words that make any sense to us normal people… so can you nerdlings get out your dork to human dictionary and tell us in REAL PEOPLE words what you mean? You go through the Stargate with Lt. Col. Carter….mmm sexy scientist military chick… and you need racquet balls to go on missions with SG1? Gonna throw them at the Goa’uld?

Nerd 2

Not Stargate, the BARONY of the Stargate, which is the local group we belong to within the SCA! The Society for Creative Anachronism, or SCA, is an organization of like-minded individuals who enjoy getting together and experiencing life as we believe it would have been in 17th Century Europe.

Nerd 1

We have people who are craftspeople, knights, nobility… basically anything that you think of.

Nerd 2

When I joined, I bound myself to a mistress who was a tent-maker, I learned the craft of tent making and moved my way up the ranks.
Currently…. I am a---

Eli

Hold on buddy. Bound yourself? Like BDSM shit? [To Joel] And you thought you had problems…. [back to Nerd] And really? Nobody here wants to listen to you talk about your Nerd-ville… We’re proper upstanding Geeks here, and we don’t have any tolerance for your type here. Now take your balls and leave.

Nerd 1

But….

Eli

Overdramatically

I Said LEAVE!

The nerds scramble out of the store, almost forgetting to bring out their purchase- Eli and Joel restrain themselves from laughing hysterically, bursting out when the door has swung shut behind the nerds.

Joel

Oh my god, I can’t believe you did that! Did you see the little one? He looked like he was about to piss himself!

Eli

Well, that’s what they get for being so lame.

Joel

I’m not sure that we’re the best judge on what’s lame and what isn’t. I mean, you went to a party last night where you did what, got high and played Gears of War? And I’m still here, selling racquet balls to Anachra-nerds who use them in their role playing reenactment whatchamacallit, still unable to do anything meaningful with my life. I could be out there doing something useful, something fulfilling, not being a wage monkey for ‘the man’…

Eli

Dude! You’re so White you CANNOT say ‘the man’ in reference to your job. C’mon! Goddamn it, stop putting yourself down! You’re only 19 man, you’re not supposed to have your life figured out yet, and those who say that they do know what they want… they’re lying, to you or to themselves!

Joel

Bewildered and amazed at this flow of wisdom coming from Eli

And its Yoda! (Adopting a Yoda like voice) … Size Matters Not… Life Become more interesting Yours will soon HMMM?!

Eli

Shut up.

The bell rings again, and this time enters a girl- Denise

Denise

Hey Retail Bitches… sell anything interesting today?

Joel

Please don’t get me started on the idiots who come in here…

Denise

Woah woah woah… Its just an expression… You guys up for a shitty movie night this weekend? I’ve got Samurai Cop

Joel

I have to work Saturday til close, and I guess I’m available after that… god knows my comic isn’t going anywhere…

Eli

I’m in. You already call Josh?

Denise

He’s got a… does he call them dates? Or does he call them tricks?

Not waiting for an answer

He’s got plans. But my sister Nikki’s going to be there, she’s home for break.

Eli

Is your sister hot?

She slaps him upside the head

Denise

Don’t go getting your perve on with my sister… she’s not even close to your league…

Eli

Alright alright

Defensively, then changing the topic

Hey… what do Vegan Zombies want to eat?

Joel

Muttering to himself

Not again…..

Denise

Uh…. I don’t know… Tofu?

Eli

As if it’s the best thing he’s ever said
No… GRAAAAAINNNZZZZ!!!!
(Pause)

No one says anything he continues talking

Get it? Grains? … cause they don’t eat meat….

When he realizes that nobody’s laughing

Nevermind. (Mutters) Philistines.

Denise

Muttering to herself
I can’t believe I got drunk enough to sleep with him… what was I thinking?!

Joel

Overhearing this and quickly changing thing the subject

So Denise… How’s things at work? You got that new job right?

Denise

Eh, a job’s a job. Its nothing special…

Eli

Oh that’s not true, I heard from Josh that you work at Gearboxity? Is that right? I’d give my eye teeth to work there…Did you work on the new Band of Brother’s game?

Denise

Oh I wish, but no. I’m not a designer or programmer, I just, I’m not sure exactly what my job description is, but I don’t have really anything to do with the games.

Eli

Man, I wish I could be a fly on the wall of their design meetings, all that sweet sweet secret early game ness….. MMMM

Joel

Gives Eli a pointed look

Dude… now YOUR nerd is showing. Maybe you should go take care of that.

Eli

Glowers at Joel

I hate you

He leaves off SR

Denise

So you like working at Sportsworld?

Joel

Nah, it pays the bills, but really I want to write a graphic novel and get it published.

Denise

Really? I love graphic novels, I think my favorite is the Watchman, Alan Moore’s writing is amazing, and you can’t beat Dave Gibbons’ art. What’s yours about?

Joel

Its kind of fluid right now, sort of like Blade Runner, except not…

Off her bemused look

Ok, really I’ve been working on this for years and have no idea what I want to write it about. I’ve got lots of ideas, but nothing that turns into a whole story.

Denise

Well, what are some of your ideas? What are you interested in? The best way to write is to write what you know. So what is it that you know?

Joel has a thoughtful look on his face that lasts only a few minutes before he notices something off stage right

Joel

Oh shit… he didn’t!

We see what he’s talking about, Eli has returned on stage, he’s standing in a shopping cart, he’s pushing himself along at a fairly brisk speed with a hockey stick that he’s using to direct the cart (much in the way of a Venetian Gondolier)

Eli

COMING THROUGH!!!!

He crashes off the opposite side of the stage, portable shelving and sports equipment falls onstage where he went off. Eli staggers back on stage grinning widely to the audience. Denise rushes towards him, concerned. Joel just stands behind the counter shaking his head.

Denise

Oh my god! Are you alright?

Eli

Totally playing his ‘injuries’ up

HSSS… I think I’ve OW… hurt my ankle… oh yeah HSSSSS….

She helps him limp over towards the counter, he winks at Joel who sighs and buries his head in his hands. Denise is fussing over him.

Joel

AH, he’s faking it! He always does this with girls he thinks are cute. He fakes some injury and they feel all sorry for him and eventually end up sleeping with him.

Denise

Jerkwad! I can’t believe you did that!

She slaps Eli across the back of the head again and she continues muttering to herself as she leaves the store off stage left. The door chime dings again as the door opens.

Eli

Dude! The first rule of manhood! ‘Thou shalt not cockblock thy brother for thou wouldst not like him to cockblock you.’ She might have been THE ONE! Well the one again…

Joel

Yeah, she MIGHT have been the one, just like Amanda might have been the one, and Julie, and what was that girl with the pierced lady parts’s name?

Eli

Natalie. I’d forgotten about Natalie…

gets a wistful, dreamy look on his face

Joel

DUDE! Can you NOT relive your perverted hook ups in front of me? Please?!

Eli

Just cause you haven’t gotten any in … how long is it now?

Joel

Shut up. Just because I haven’t had any in a while is not a reason why I wouldn’t want to listen to you recount your sexual conquests!

Joel shoves away from the counter and heads toward SL where Eli crashed the cart and starts picking up the mess.

Eli

Something’s crawled up your asshole…. Figure it out. I’ll leave you to it.

Eli passes Joel who’s picking up boxes of tennis balls and gym socks putting them in the overturned shopping cart and leaves through the door, the chime sounding as he leaves the stage. Joel rights the shopping cart, shoves it away from him he tears off his nametag, throwing it on the counter and storming out the door after Eli. Once the stage is empty the lights fade.

The Setting:

Joel’s apartment, an large drawing table is center, there are stacks of papers everywhere, crumpled failed drawings, as well as successful completed strips which are tacked on the wall. On Stage Right is a Computer desk where Joel’s Mac and several microphones are set up, next to the table is his amp rack and his electric guitars and basses which have their own stands. Stage Left is a large comfortable yet worn couch.

At Rise:

Joel is sprawled on the couch, he looks disheveled, like he hasn’t slept well in a couple of days, on top of him is a large sketch pad and several crumpled pieces of paper. There are empty pizza boxes and takeout containers all over the floor, and copious amounts of empty energy drink cans. We hear the doorbell ring which shocks Joel awake.

Joel

Startled, just waking up

Wha? Wasn’t sleeping!

Recognizes that there’s no one there, that it’s the door that woke him-Loudly yet groggily

I’m coming! I’m coming… hang on!

Mutters to himself

This better be good, I was on a roll…

He crosses to the door Stage Left and opens it to reveal Eli, Denise, and another guy, a slightly over weight bald guy named Josh- they push past Joel and enter his apartment.

Eli

Good God Man! What have you been doing here? It smells like the inside of a gym locker that’s been left out in the sun for a couple weeks!

Joel

Well I’m sorry its not cleaner, I wasn’t exactly expecting visitors… I’ve been kinda busy.

Joel crosses back to his drawing table, seating himself behind it and chugging the contents of one of the open cans while looking frustrated at the interruption. He picks up a pencil and starts drawing again.

What’s going on?

Eli

Well since we hadn’t heard from you in weeks, we started getting worried. Well, Denise got worried, she was fretting something awful… I Told her that you were most likely ok…

Denise

I most certainly did NOT … He was the one who was all “oh no! what if joel is hurt or lying in a ditch somewhere?”

Eli

Shut up I did not.

Josh

Aww Eli…I always knew that you had a thing for Joel!
[To no one in particular] Two more recruits and I get a toaster oven…

Denise

[Ignoring Josh] Despite what these two knuckleheads would have you believe, we were actually worried since we hadn’t heard from you. Is everything alright?

Joel

Yeah, everything’s fine, I’ve just been working on my comic.

Eli

We went by Sportsworld, manager says you left without notice three weeks ago! He never even gave you your last paycheck! What’s going on man? You quit your job?!

Joel

I couldn’t keep working there. I had to get out, work on something meaningful! Sportsworld was killing me, smothering my potential…

Josh

I can see that, you wanted to take control of your life, create your own destiny…make something meaningful out of your life!!!

Eli

[To Josh]God… You’re so gay!!!!
[To Joel] But what about your responsibilities? You’re always bitching about this or that or some such… what made you change your mind?

Joel

I figured I’d give myself a chance to prove to myself that I could make my life what I want it to be… I just… couldn’t stand working at that stupid store for ever if I never tried to make something out of my life, to do what I want! If I’m going to fail at life, I’d rather fail at doing something I’m passionate about than fail at being a minimum wage racquet ball jockey!