HijinksEnsue Play Snippet Part the Third

The Setting:
Sportsworld, a sporting goods store, located in the southern coastal area of Texas
Characters:
Joel- a clerk at the sporting goods store who has to deal with the idiocy of the customers on a daily basis.
Eli- Joel’s best friend who’s constantly hanging out at the store, talking with Joel while he’s working, and passing judgement on the other customers
Denise- a girl Eli met at a party, the rare and elusive girl geek
Various Customers
The lights come up on Joel, a shaggy haired kid in his late teens standing behind a counter, perusing a guitar magazine
A bell rings as a door opens, and in walks Eli SL who greets Joel

Eli

Yo Loser! You missed a HELL of a party yesterday… that dude Josh was there and he had lots of … you know… inspiration. Might be just what you need to finally finish that comic you’ve been writing for what… since high school?

Joel

While I appreciate your attempts to (with finger quotes) “encourage” me to finish my GRAPHIC novel… I don’t think weed from some dude you just met at some party is the answer. I just… (Sighs) I dunno… I just need something to happen to me, something new … something less stupid and … Texan.

Eli

Dude… not another rant about how things suck in Texas…
The door opens again and a couple of nerdy type guys (mouth breather types) enter, as the bell rings, Joel like one of Pavlov’s dogs perks up and is instantly the diligent employee.

Joel

Welcome to Sportsworld, can I help you find anything today?

Nerd 1: (nasally)

Umm.. yeah… We’re looking for something like ah uh tennis balls? Those are solid aren’t they?

Joel

No, they’re not solid.
Giving Eli, who’s trying to stifle a raucous laugh, a “do you see what kind of idiots I have to deal with” look

Nerd 2

Well, we’re looking for rubber balls that are… y’know…

Joel

… Solid? (Finishing the sentence for Nerd 2)

Nerd 1

Exactly! Do you have anything like that?

Joel

We have racquet balls… I think they’re solid.

Nerd 2

Resplendent! Might we purchase a large number?
Joel Crosses SL to where the racquet balls are racked on shelves and returning behind the counter to ring up the Nerds’ order.

Joel

Do you two even PLAY racquet ball?

Nerd 1

Uh… no. We need them to put on the end of our spears and arrows.

Eli

Spears and arrows?

Nerd 2

Matter of Factly
Um… yeah!? For the SCA.
Under his breath to Nerd 1
Losers don’t know anything…

Joel

While ringing up the nerd’s purchase
What in the blazing fire of Mordor is the SCA?

Nerd 1

The Society for Creative Anachronism. The Kingdom of Ansteorra?! Any of this sounding familiar? We’re members of the Barony of the Stargate. Highly ranked actually…

Eli

Ok, I’m going to stop you there… those things coming out of your mouth? I believe that they MIGHT be words, but they’re not words that make any sense to us normal people… so can you nerdlings get out your dork to human dictionary and tell us in REAL PEOPLE words what you mean? You go through the Stargate with Lt. Col. Carter….mmm sexy scientist military chick… and you need racquet balls to go on missions with SG1? Gonna throw them at the Goa’uld?

Nerd 2

Not Stargate, the BARONY of the Stargate, which is the local group we belong to within the SCA! The Society for Creative Anachronism, or SCA, is an organization of like-minded individuals who enjoy getting together and experiencing life as we believe it would have been in 15th Century Europe.

Nerd 1

We have people who are craftspeople, knights, nobility… basically anything that you think of.

Nerd 1

When I joined, I bound myself to a mistress who was a tent-maker, I learned the craft of tent making and moved my way up the ranks.
Currently…. I am a---

Eli

Hold on buddy. Bound yourself? Like BDSM shit? [To Joel] And you thought you had problems…. [back to Nerd] And really? Nobody here wants to listen to you talk about your Nerd-ville… We’re proper upstanding Geeks here, and we don’t have any tolerance for your type here. Now take your balls and leave.

Nerd 1

But….

Eli

Overdramatically
I Said LEAVE!
The nerds scramble out of the store, almost forgetting to bring out their purchase- Eli and Joel restrain themselves from laughing hysterically, bursting out when the door has swung shut behind the nerds.

Joel

Oh my god, I can’t believe you did that! Did you see the little one? He looked like he was about to piss himself!

Eli

Well, that’s what they get for being so lame.

Joel

I’m not sure that we’re the best judge on what’s lame and what isn’t. I mean, you went to a party last night where you did what, got high and played Gears of War? And I’m still here, selling racquet balls to Anachra-nerds who use them in their role playing reenactment whatchamacallit, still unable to do anything meaningful with my life. I could be out there doing something useful, something fulfilling, not being a wage monkey for ‘the man’…

Eli

Dude! You’re so White you CANNOT say ‘the man’ in reference to your job. C’mon! Goddamn it, stop putting yourself down! You’re only 19 man, you’re not supposed to have your life figured out yet, and those who say that they do know what they want… they’re lying, to you or to themselves.

Joel

Bewildered and amazed at this flow of wisdom coming from Eli
And its Yoda! (Adopting a Yoda like voice) … Size Matters Not… Life Become more interesting Yours will soon HMMM?!

Eli

Shut up.
The bell rings again, and this time enters a girl- Denise who recognizes and greets Eli

Denise

Oh hey! Its great to see you again! … (Groping for his name)…

Eli

…Eli. Yeah, Oh! Joel, this is Denise, Denise, this is Joel. We met last night at that dude Josh’s party.
(To Denise) Hey… what do Vegan Zombies want to eat?

Joel

Muttering to himself
Not again…..

Denise

Uh…. I don’t know… Tofu?

Eli

As if it’s the best thing he’s ever said
No… GRAAAAAINNNZZZZ!!!!
(Pause)
No one says anything he continues talking
Get it? Grains? … cause they don’t eat meat….
When he realizes that nobody’s laughing
Nevermind. (Mutters) Philistines.

Denise

Muttering to herself
So glad I didn’t hook up with him last night!

Joel

Overhearing this and quickly changing thing the subject
So Denise… what’s your story? What makes you tick?

Denise

Oh god, I’m so not interested in talking about myself. Really, I’m not all that interesting!

Eli

Oh that’s not true, I heard from Josh that you work at Gearboxity? Is that right? Did you work on the new Band of Brother’s game?

Denise

Oh I wish, but no. I’m not a designer or programmer, I just, I’m not sure exactly what my job description is, but I don’t have really anything to do with the games.

Eli

Man, I wish I could be a fly on the wall of their design meetings, all that sweet sweet secret early game ness….. MMMM

Joel

Gives Eli a pointed look
Dude… now YOUR nerd is showing. Maybe you should go take care of that.

Eli

Glowers at Joel
I hate you
He leaves off SR

Denise

So you like working at Sportsworld?

Joel

Nah, it pays the bills, but really I want to write a graphic novel and get it published.

Denise

Really? I love graphic novels, I think my favorite is the Watchman, Alan Moore’s writing is amazing, and you can’t beat Dave Gibbons’ art. What’s yours about?

Joel

Its kind of fluid right now, but its based around my friends, and its sort of like Blade Runner, except not…
Off her bemused look
Ok, really I’ve been working on this for years and have no idea what I want to write it about. I’ve got lots of ideas, but nothing that turns into a whole story.

Denise

Well, what are some of your ideas? What are you interested in? The best way to write is to write what you know. So what is it that you know?
Joel has a thoughtful look on his face that lasts only a few minutes before he notices something off stage right

Joel

Oh shit… he didn’t!
We see what he’s talking about, Eli has returned on stage, he’s standing in a shopping cart, he’s pushing himself along at a fairly brisk speed with a hockey stick that he’s using to direct the cart (much in the way of a Venetian Gondolier)

Eli

COMING THROUGH!!!!
He crashes off the opposite side of the stage, portable shelving and sports equipment falls onstage where he went off. Eli staggers back on stage grinning widely. Denise rushes towards him, concerned. Joel just stands behind the counter shaking his head.

Denise

Oh my god! Are you alright?

Eli

Totally playing his ‘injuries’ up
Oh yeah, I’m alright. I’ve had worse
She helps him limp over towards the counter, he winks at Joel who sighs and buries his head in his hands. Denise is fussing over him.

Joel

AH, he’s faking it! He always does this with girls he thinks are cute. He fakes some injury and they feel all sorry for him and eventually end up sleeping with him.

Denise

I can’t believe I fell for one of the lamest attempts at a pick up in history. I ALWAYS do this…
she continues muttering to herself as she leaves the store off stage left. The door chime dings again as the door opens.

Eli

Way to go cockblocking me dude! She might have been THE ONE!