A Geek’s Tale
Setting:A White Scrim is down leaving just a little bit of the stage available for action “The 5th Annual HijiNKS Ensue Experience” projected on the scrim in bright colors as well as a convention type scene. A mic is on a mic stand off stage left.
At Rise:
As the lights rise, the projected ‘Master of Ceremonies’ announces- “Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Fifth Annual HijiNKs Ensue Experience! Please welcome the creator of HijiNKs Ensue- Joel Watson!” A loud round of applause that tapes off only when Joel has taken the stage and is wandering around with a microphone saying “Thank you Thank You!”
Joel
Thank you! Thank you all so much! You guys have been great! I really appreciate all of the support I’ve received from you Fancy Bastards over the years. Without you all, there would be no HijiNKS Ensue, and I would be still working at Sportsworld, and I would never have realized my dream.As most of you know, I started HijiNKS Ensue out of my apartment around 7 years ago. I had been working at a sporting goods store as a clerk when I decided to quit my job to focus exclusively on my comic. I hadn’t noticed before how much completely random stuff occurred in Texas that was both geek related and how much me and my friends were involved in the geekery that was around us. I’d been drawing off and on forever, it was not unusual for my friends to be hanging out while I just doodled around on my computer.
The Scrim projection changes from the HE Experience convention scene to Joel’s apartment. Instead of just a plain wall behind the couch where Josh is sitting playing Mirror’s Edge there is a projection within the projection of Joel’s apartment. In this projection is the things that Joel is drawing on his tablet. We see Josh sitting on the couch with a peanut butter jar on his belly ridge while he plays his video game. The projection shows Joel drawing Josh doing just that. When Joel is done, the picture matches real life. The Scrim goes back down and it is the HE Experience convention scene again.
Joel (Con’t)
Let me back up… my friends and I had always been doing geeky stuff, dressing up as members of the Evil League of Evil, having weird experiences… We hung out all the time, doing crazy shit and I took advantage of our shenanigans…The projection for the HE Experience fades out as the comic and label appears
Except for any practical furniture which should be multifunctional- the scene should be portrayed with projected comic type drawings of the given scene-On the back wall above the backdrops is written-“In which the gang tries out for the Evil League of Evil”- The comic is projected on a scrim that is in front of the playing area- the comic consists of a backdrop with three panels- One a swirly blue color, One a dirty street scene, and one a Mexican wrestling ring. We see Joel in the left panel with “Macromancer” written above him, Josh in the middle panel with “Bear Arms” written above him- Josh is saying ‘Pride can be Deadly’ and in the final panel is Eli as “LoLuchador” he says ‘kthnxbye!’ As the lights go up, so does the scrim to reveal the comic sans people projected on the wall behind the characters.
At Rise:
Eli is wearing a pair of tight wrestling type nylon pants, a Mexican wrestler’s mask, and a championship belt that says ‘I Can Haz Cheeseburger’
Eli
Tell me again why I have to wear this getup? I feel … [Fingers his mask and tight wrestling pants] Exposed…Josh
‘Cause Joss Whedon said he would include a fan’s submission video for the Evil League of Evil in the commentary of Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog, and my friend lent me his camera for helping him on his porno shoot! And your costume isn’t any less revealing than what I wear on Saturday nights! So stop complaining or I’ll give you something even tighter!He Sets Up the camera and checks the music for their submission song through the sound system
Besides, us gays are extremely creative and skilled in costuming and music writing… our submission is going to be the best of all of them.
Joel enters from the bathroom dressed in a swirly black cloak type thing, and carrying both his Macbook and has his iphone clipped to his belt. He sees Eli and breaks out into a raucous laugh.
Joel
Ah! Senor Eli! ¿Usted debe ser utilizado a tener bolas azules… porqué mirada tan incómoda? [You’re used to blue balls, why so uncomfortable looking?] Eli
I hate you asshole.[To Josh]
Why is HIS costume not so… constricting?
Josh
Because he didn’t have the body to be a Mexican Wrestler… and duh… you’re Mexican!Eli
Racist assholes… you think… ‘Lets make the Mexican the wrestler!’ What if I wanted to be the Macromancer?Josh
That’s what you get for having a mouth full of tacos when we’re picking roles… Now shut it and get ready. I’m going to go change.Joel
[at Josh’s retreating back]Shouldn’t we have gotten him some kittens for the LolCat aspect of his evilness?
Joel plays with his laptop, getting it to emit various sounds and projecting colors.
Eli adjusts himself in the pants and mask and plays with his championship belt- Still grumbling about his racially inspired costume and character
Josh returns, dressed in tight leather pants, leather studded straps crossing his chest crosswise, carrying an airsoft rifle painted black, an HRC sticker type tattoo on his left arm, he has shaved his beard into a friendly button chop style beard
Josh
No, because I’m allergic… for the billionth time. Alright, lets do this! The Evil League of Evil, here we come!They all go and stand in front of their panel as the music swells.
The Scrim drops again and the HE Experience logo is projected upon the white scrim. The scene returns to the convention hall at the HE-Experience
Joel is continuing his story
Joel
I think the thing that just cemented my desire to quit my job and dedicate myself to the comic fulltime was when I finally realized that there was too much insanity in my life to not share it with the worldThe lights fade down, and the projected scene changes to that of a sporting goods store. Above the counter it is written- “In which Joel realizes that his life is too crazy not to share” –before the characters enter the stage, we see the cartoon SCA nerds asking a cartoon Joel for a large number of racquet balls for their spears and arrows. The Scrim rises and we see the cartoon projected Sportsworld with Joel standing behind a counter reading a guitar magazine listening to Eli recount his evening of debauchery.
A bell rings as a couple of nerdy type guys (mouth breather types) enter, as the bell rings, Joel like one of Pavlov’s dogs perks up and is instantly the diligent employee.
Joel
Welcome to Sportsworld, can I help you find anything today? SCA-Nerd 1: (nasally)
Umm.. yeah… We’re looking for something like ah uh tennis balls? Those are solid aren’t they?Joel
No, they’re not solid.Trying not to laugh at the SCA Nerds
SCA-Nerd 2
Well, we’re looking for rubber balls that are… y’know…Joel
… Solid? (Finishing the sentence for Nerd 2)SCA-Nerd 1
Exactly! Do you have anything like that?Joel
We have racquet balls… I think they’re solid.SCA-Nerd 2
Resplendent! Might we purchase a large number?Joel Crosses SL to where the racquet balls are racked on shelves and returning behind the counter to ring up the SCANerds’ order.
Joel
You two big racquet ball players then? What’re all the balls for?SCA-Nerd 1
Uh… no. We need them to put on the end of our spears and arrows.Eli
Spears and arrows?SCA-Nerd 2
Um… yeah!? For the SCA.SCA- Nerd 2
Under his breath to Nerd 1Losers don’t know anything…
Joel
While ringing up the nerd’s purchaseWhat in the blazing fire of Mordor is the SCA?
SCA-Nerd 1
The Society for Creative Anachronism. The Kingdom of Ansteorra?! Any of this sounding familiar? We’re members of the Barony of the Stargate. Highly ranked actually…Eli
Ok, I’m going to stop you there… those things coming out of your mouth? I believe that they MIGHT be words, but they’re not words that make any sense to us normal people… so can you nerdlings get out your dork to human dictionary and tell us in REAL PEOPLE words what you mean? You go through the Stargate with Lt. Col. Carter….mmm sexy scientist military chick… and you need racquet balls to go on missions with SG1? Gonna throw them at the Goa’uld?SCA-Nerd 2
Not Stargate, the BARONY of the Stargate, which is the local group we belong to within the SCA! The Society for Creative Anachronism, or SCA, is an organization of like-minded individuals who enjoy getting together and experiencing life as we believe it would have been in 17th Century Europe.SCA-Nerd 1
We have people who are craftspeople, knights, nobility… basically anything that you think of. SCA-Nerd 1
When I joined, I bound myself to a mistress who was a tent-maker, I learned the craft of tent making and moved my way up the ranks.Currently…. I am a---
Eli
Hold on buddy. Bound yourself? Like BDSM shit? [To Joel] And you thought you had problems…. [back to Nerd] And really? Nobody here wants to listen to you talk about your Nerd-ville… We’re proper upstanding Geeks here, and we don’t have any tolerance for your type here. Now take your balls and leave.SCA-Nerd 1
But….Eli
OverdramaticallyI Said LEAVE!
The nerds scramble out of the store, almost forgetting to bring out their purchase- Eli and Joel restrain themselves from laughing hysterically, bursting out when the nerds are off stage. The Scrim falls again and the HE Experience setting is projected again- Joel is still telling the story of the success of HE
Joel
So after I quit my job and had started gaining some sort of success with the webcomic, I had a party to celebrate finally turning a profit. I had hoped for a simple party, we could play some Wii sports, watch a shitty movie, and I was sure that most people would probably get drunk- but as with most of our parties, things descended into utter chaos pretty rapidly….Setting:
On the Scrim it says: In which Joel throws a party. The Host’s Lament
In the comic we see Eli throwing a Wii controller through the plasma tv, Josh and Denise pouring their beer on the floor (really drunk) and a bloody stranger asking for hooker blood remover.
The scrim goes up.
At Rise:
Everyone is drinking, playing Wii sports, and spilling drinks on the floor which angers Joel who is frantically trying to clean up everyone’s messes. There are two or three guys sitting on the couch with their laptops networking them together for a sort of adhoc LAN party.
Joel
Everyone! Could you please manage to not spill everything on the floor?As Joel turns away to get more paper towels, Denise and Josh start pouring their beer on the floor- they are VERY drunk
Denise
Drinky drinky floor, you’re VERY thirsty. Yes you are… drink my beer!Josh
Oh… its alright. Its alright to drink the beer, we won’t tell anyone. Shhh…. Its good for you… we know you like it… here have some more. That’s it, that’s right!Joel returns from his paper towel quest, finds them doing this and forces them to stop.
Joel
What the FRAK are you guys doing? Stop that!! God, you’re like children! Worse than Children! This has all happened before, this will all happen again… at least its not the apocalypse this time.[To the LAN party guys]
Why didn’t you stop them?
[No Response]
Hello?
[Still no response]
Why do I even try?
Then he turns and bumps into a bloody stranger who is tugging at his cuffs and trying to wipe blood from his face
Joel
Uhm… Hi. You enjoying the party?Bloody Stranger
Looks shifty and wrings hands together, trying to wipe off the bloodYesh, yesh…. What do you have that gets hooker blood out?
Joel
[Frightened]Uh… I’m not sure… are you a friend of Eli’s?
He looks frantically around for Eli who is nowhere in sight, but when he turns back, the bloody stranger is gone.
Joel (Con’t)
Weird…Joel turns again and notices that Eli just threw a Wii controller through his flat screen.
Oh for the love of JoCo… what now? I cannot leave them alone… they’re like children. Really they are. This party was such a bad idea….
The lights fade out and the scrim goes down.
The HE Experience Cartoon background is projected again. Joel continues his story.
Joel
Even when things were more or less calm in my life, my friends could always be counted on to do something crazy that I could take advantage of. HE Experience projection fades- “In which Eli writes fanmail to Battlestar Galactica” appears on the scrim before it goes up. The Setting is Joel’s apartment on any afternoon
At rise:
Joel is sitting on his couch playing his guitar. Eli is pawing through the mail
At rise:
Joel is sitting on his couch playing his guitar. Eli is pawing through the mail
Joel
Hey Senor Eli. How’s it hanging?Eli
Everything’s good, I got offered a job testing video games for Gearboxity- they pay me in Pizza! Has anything shown up for me here?Joel
Uh nothing FOR you, but I have a “No Such address” that you sent to the Battlestar Galactica.Eli
What? Give it here!He grabs at the mail on the coffee table searching for his letter
They wouldn’t send it to the… wherever the fleet is?
I put like 5 stamps on it! They should be able to send it across the galaxy for that! What am I paying for if they won’t send my mail?!
Joel
You have GOT to be shitting me! You cannot have thought that you could send a letter to a FICTIONAL ship on a TV show!Eli
But I’m not interested in what the actors have to say… I’m more interested in the characters! I wanted STARBUCK’S autograph, not Katee Sackhoff’s.Joel
You DON’T want Katee Sackhoff’s autograph? I think Josh has been right about you all along… you are a member of his FAMILY…But that still doesn’t explain why you were so stupid as to think that 5 stamps would constitute an intergalactic delivery fee.
Eli
The dude at the mail place…Snaps his fingers, trying to come up with the right words
Joel
You mean the Post Office?Eli
Yes! The postal office worker dude… he DID give me a weird look when I asked about how much it would cost… but I didn’t expect he’d rip me off! (It just dawned on him) Dude RIPPED ME OFF!!Joel
Well, what did you expect? I bet it’s not every day that he gets someone in there trying to mail something to space. Remember when those SCA Nerds came into Sportsworld for their ‘resplendent balls’?Eli
…yes… why?Joel
In this instance- you are the SCA Nerd to the postal worker’s me.Eli
You cannot be comparing me to those mouthbreathers!!!Joel
If the pocket protector fits…Eli
You know… sometimes I fucking hate you.Joel
What did you write to them anyways?Eli
Go ahead… read it for yourself. Laugh it up fuzzball.Joel
Takes the letter from Eli, tears it open and retrieves the letter from the envelope- the paper even has the corners cut off like on Battlestar Galactica.‘Dear Battlestar Galactica, you are the best show on television and you are my favorite show. When you find Earth, you should come to Dallas and hang out with me. I have an X-Box 360 and a PS3 and there are no Cylons- Cylon’s spelled incorrectly by the way. You spelled it S-I-L-O-N-S- Adama is cool, but Starbuck is cooler, and a girl.
Do you want to be friends? Circle Yes or No’
Are you some sort of retarded person? Not only did you try to mail a letter to a fictional ship on a tv show, instead of the set and characters itself, but your letter reads like something an elementary school student would write…
The lights fade, the scrim goes down and a comic comes up, it is Eli writing a letter on paper that has had the corners cut off (just like on Battlestar Galactica) in one panel, the next is Eli trying to discover how much postage he would need to mail it to the Colonial Fleet (he thinks 4 or 5 stamps). And the last panel is a close up of the envelope addressed to The Colonial Fleet in outer space. Instead of Joel’s address, the return address is ‘Eli, Dallas Texas Earth’ then an arrow with a note saying “Its real! I Live here!”
The HE Experience scene is projected on the scrim again as the comic fades away.
Joel
I was asked a year or so after the site went live to create an animated music video for Jonathan Coulton’s song “Re: Your Brains”- it was this music video that really cemented my position in online fame- such as it is.The HE Experience Cartoon fades and the words “In which Jonathan Coulton is a Zombie trying to eat Joel”
The Scrim rises and we see a cartoon office with a door in the middle of the stage. JONATHAN COULTON is a Zombie with a guitar on one side of the door. Joel is hiding under a table. On the wall behind Jonathan Coulton we see animated Zombies and zombie Josh, Eli and Denise.
Jonathan Coulton (JoCo)- Sings
Heya, Tom' it’s Bob from the office down the hallGood to see you, buddy; how’ve you been?
Thing have been OK for me except that I’m a zombie now
I really wish you’d let us in
I think I speak for all of us when I say I understand
Why you folks might hesitate to submit to our demand
But here’s an FYI: you’re all gonna die screaming
Denise Josh and Eli
All we want to do is eat your brainsWe’re not unreasonable; I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here; maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains
The Song continues with animated zombies dancing and chewing on furniture and dead bodies.
The Scrim goes back down to the HE Experience convention hall
Joel
After that music video came out, the site hits quadrupled, and my merchandise sales went through the roof. My fanbase now included not only my original Fancy Bastards, but now also some of Jonathan Coulton’s loyal fans were now rabid fans, demanding prints and tee shirts. The readers were clamoring for a venue where they could all come and meet me finally, and thus was born the HijiNKs Ensue Experience.I hope to keep being able to bring the same geeky hilarity to all of my loyal fans for many years to come. So thanks for coming and have a fantastic time! Stick around because the one and only Jonathan Coulton is going to be performing here with Paul and Storm in just one hour!
Thanks again and …
[The Audience (Sound Cue) joins in with him in chanting]
“GODSPEED YOU FANCY BASTARDS!”
The Lights Fade Leaving the HE Experience Projection glowing faintly on the scrim
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